Give Me My Stripper Pole, Please ...

Stripper Pole, Please...

Photo Credit: www.flickr.com

Now, I might not be as flexible as Barbie, or look that good in sequins ....

I certainly don't have a pout that seductive ...

and Ken has never, ever tried to hand me a dollar bill .... 

And, if you have gotten to know me well enough through my blogs, you would know that not only would I never attempt to fling my body at a stripper pole (let alone, subject some poor man to watching it) but the fact is, I'd probably wind up being one of those girls in the videos where the pole falls down and I land on my !@#$%^!

So, why then, is the theme of this blog about stripping, you ask?

Well, today it happened.

That "it" I've been waiting for to happen since December 7, 2012.  

I found myself repeatedly pulling up my pants.

Then, I found myself absent-mindedly playing with the thigh on the pants because there was plenty to tug.

And, it hit me ... these pants are too damn big.

I went to the bathroom and checked things out.  These pants used to leave a mark at the waist when I would wear them.  I checked the waist band and guess what?  It pulled out several inches.  And, I found myself measuring the pant legs - wow, at least 4-5" of give in the pant leg.  As they rested on my hips and I pulled them up one more time, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, 

"YOU GO GIRL."

I hadn't really seen the difference though my measurements were telling me I should be seeing something going on.  And, someone told me this week they had lost 50 lbs in 6 months and I got discouraged that I've only lost 15 since December.  But, just like the dents I wrote about before, this was another motivator.  Keep going and maybe, juuuuust maybe I'll buy that stripper pole someday.

Yeah, probably not.  But, that's ok.

As for feeling discouraged about that other person's weight loss (jealous much?), I have to remember that he is on his own journey while mine is completely different.  Where he could drop his weight down that fast, I have learned that quick weight loss doesn't work for me. Why?  Because I wind up losing my motivation and gaining it back. This is not a diet, this is a journey.  My journey.  Little by little as I inch my way along to smaller pants, form-fitting sexy dresses (instead of tents) and cute bathingsuits, I need to remember what I am doing.  I am changing my normal.  

I'm so glad you are here with me.  I'm so happy to share this journey with you all and hope your journey is going well.  Until next time, you wonderful, beautiful, fellow Fat Chicks ....

Challenge of the Day:

Keep your chin up, keep on your journey and watch out for your opportunity to invest in your own stripper pole! Just kidddding!

0

Granny Panties

Granny Panties

Photo Credit: www.facebook.com

"I'm on the internet ... wearing a diaper?

I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out." 

 Miri from Zack and Miri make a Porno

There's something to be said about Granny Panties.  They're comfy, cover your butt and are made of cotton so they breathe.  They don't roll down over your belly and wind up at your hips.  You feel like they even offer just a tad bit of tummy control.  And, when it gets down to it and you walk over a man hole and the gust of wind blows up your white dress, all the goods are covered.

Ladies, ladies, ladies ... in case no one has clued you in, Granny Panties are about as sexy as a block of cheese.  Sure, they serve a purpose but you wouldn't put a block of cheese out on a dish and expect people to oooo and ahhh to get a nibble, would you? Be honest ... when was the last time you put on a pair of Granny Panties and twisted in the mirror to admire how they looked?  Probably never.

Photo Credit: efashionhelp.com

Whether you are small, medium, large, extra large or fluffy, you deserve to feel beautiful.  You deserve to wear pretty things that make you feel feminine.  Soft fabrics, lace, flowers, hearts and maybe even a little dangle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking G-strings, Thongs or anything else itty-bitty that would cut into you.  I want you to be comfortable, yet remember that even large, you are still a woman and women love to feel beautiful.  I like what the model in the picture above is wearing.  She's not a stick, yet is wearing something pretty.  She's still covered, yet feminine and sexy. Having hair like that certainly doesn't hurt!

Putting on Granny Panties is like putting on an apron.  It serves a purpose, can get dirty and can be washed with bleach.  But, sliding on something soft against your skin immediately gives you the feeling of being feminine.  And, no one needs to know (unless you want them to know), but this feeling is just for you. 

Why is that important?  Because taking care of yourself, doing nice things for yourself and allowing yourself to feel beautiful is one step towards self confidence.  Once your self confidence grows, your desire to keep changing your body will grow as well. Pretty soon, you'll notice someone noticing you with a sparkle in their eye.  It all starts within yourself.  It's personal, right?  Start somewhere, my friend.  Start small and let it grow.

Challenge of the Day:

Go buy yourself some pretty panties and bras today.  You don't have to tell anyone but allow that soft feeling of femininity to come over you.  Allow yourself to feel beautiful.  Until next time!

Work Out Buddies

Work Out Buddies

Photo Credit: acam.typepad.com

You see them coming from a mile away ... clad in sexy work out attire, looking fly, daring you NOT to check out that cleavage.  They've got swagger, and strut their stuff like beauty queens.  You half expect one to pull a stripper pole out of her bag.

Yeah right.  

I don't know about you but those socks would irritate the hell outta me, that chain would find a fold to fall into, my boob would flop out mid-stride and that gold uni-tard would have sweat stains in the most unattractive places ... When I work out, I tend to be in an over-sized shirt and shorts and well, that's just fine enough for me.

But, these girls have an important thing to teach you.  Yes, they do. Yeah, I'm serious.

They kinda match each other in flamboyance and confidence/arrogance.  And, that's what we are talking about today ... finding a good work out buddy that matches YOU.

It's so hard to find that person, isn't it?  To be honest, my most consistent work out buddy is my dog.  She is always ready to go and motivates me (read: pulls my arm out of its socket) to keep going when we go for a walk.  Most of the work out buddies I've had fall by the wayside sooner or later.  They are either too busy, too tangled up in drama or not dedicated to hitting the gym as you are.  It's irritating.  Kinda like those socks, isn't it?  Just rubs you the wrong way.

So, here's my recommendation ... find yourself a good friend hopefully that is as motivated as you are.  Don't go work out with a Barbie doll because you won't feel motivated but will feel self-conscious next to her like she brought along her favorite football player to hold her pom-pom's.  Know what I mean?  So, someone that matches you but wants it as badly as you do. This person should motivate you, encourage you and cheer you on - just like you should do for her.

Next, pick a time that is realistic and that you both can commit to showing up.  If you are a trained tri-athlete, you MIGHT be willing to hit the gym at 4am "to beat the rush."  But, for most of us, dragging our butts out of bed at 0 dark 30 is just that ... a drag.  Right after school gets out is another bad time - why?  Well, Mom will probably have to run errands, take the kids to soccer practice or do homework so not a good time.  For  me, the best time is after dinner.  The day is done, kids are fed, homework's completed (I hope), my errands are run and after I'm done, I can shower and hit the sheets.  I like it too because I feel like I've burned off some of the calories I've put on during the day and I can feel it the next morning.

Hopefully, you find someone who's in it for the long haul and not just for 30 days.  That is so irritating!  Maybe you can't go every day, but try and at least commit to 2 - 3 times a week together.  You will see a difference!!

Challenge of the Day!

Match yourself up with a good work out buddy!  Then, motivate each other, encourage one another, laugh during your work out and have fun.  You will find that working out is not a bore or a drain, but something you look forward to!  Until next time, you lovely Fat Chicks ...

!@#$% Thigh Gap!

Photo Credit: Totallyloveit.com

Have you heard about this?

Not only do we have to worry about having a flat stomach, perky boobs, full butt, toned legs and arms, but NOW we have to worry about whether we have Thigh Gap.

WTH??

If it wasn't enough that I have to worry about all these other things, I now need to worry about whether I have a GAP where my thighs meet up with my coochie-coochie-coo?

Good Lord.  

When I lived in California, I would see women stand like this all time:

Photo Credit: agefotostock.com

I saw that a lot.  And, not just on celebrities but on co-workers, or teen age girls waiting to get into a restaurant.  Man, I can't even stand right.  How the hell are they going to have their thigh gap standing like this?!

This will be the demise of society, and we all know it.  I hereby make the decree that with all the suffering in the world, starvation, bombings, natural disasters, governmental disasters, terrorists, child abuse, and mental illness,  you better damn well stand right and have a friggen gap up by your coochie-coochie-coo if you are going to fit in with society.

Damn, how do I even add taking the measurement of that area to my list of measurements every month?  My measuring tape? I couldn't stand with legs crossed to do that.  A ruler?  What if my gap is wider than a ruler? What if my ruler disappears?

Who am I kidding?

Do I need to just say it?

What IDIOT got it in their heads that women/girls should stand like this and mandate we have a gap up .... well up there?  How many teen age girls are going to become anorexic because their gap isn't wide enough?  What happened to women being soft creatures and curvy?  I doubt Marilyn Monroe had a friggen thigh gap and yet, isn't she the epitome of feminine sexiness?

Ignore this, fellow Fat Chicks.  Don't you DARE allow yourself to look at your crotch and think, "if only I had a thigh gap."  And, I better not see you standing on the corner with your legs crossed ridiculously like that.  Hell, if it was me, I'd fall over.  I'm more concerned that I don't rub my thighs raw rather than if I have a gap there.  (As for the rubbing raw, wear a pair of work out shorts under your pants and you won't rub raw).  

We are better than this superficiality, Ladies.  Goodness, even if I could pull off a thigh gap and cross my legs like I have to pee all the time, where in the world would I ever wear such a cute short dress and stylish shoes?  I don't think that look works at the grocery store.

We are REAL, Ladies (and Gentlemen).  We are not this superficial spectacle on the news (on the news!!) that is being put in front of us.  Don't buy into it.  Don't wonder if your legs are good enough because of a gap.  Just be you.  Good ol' glorious, beautiful YOU.

Challenge of the Day:

Find a way to measure your thigh gap standing with your legs crossed , standing on your head, wearing a hot black dress and heels.  OOOORRR, just be you.  Until next time ....

Target Zones

Photo Credit: 80smuscle.blogspot.com

I can't tell you how often I've been spurred to action that I wanted to start doing some basic exercises like sit ups or crunches right before bedtime.  So, I would start doing like 50 a night.  Inevitably, some ultra fit person would say to me, (hands on hips, raised eyebrow) "Well, you know you can't target zones to lose weight."  And, in that moment, I would feel like well why the hell was I even making an effort if it doesn't matter?

Sucks, huh?

In that one good-intentioned moment, they would knock me out of that spurring to action and back to going to bed like normal.  Here's what I think ... I think that stud who arrogantly popped a hole in my balloon of good intentions meant well.  See, he was thinking like a "skinny chick" (I like the idea of him thinking like a girl so I'm not going to change that).  He had the mindset of a Tri-athlete.  No, he wouldn't target any zones, because he worked his zones all the time.  He was ripped, he was tanned (ala George Hamilton), he was wearing a scrawny tank top, and was oiled just perfectly enough that each chest hair curled on its own.

Yeah, I'm exaggerating, but you get the picture, right?

A Fat Chick CANNOT jump into the mindset of a Tri-Athlete!  We physically can't do it and doom ourselves to failure each and every time we decide to take it on.  Of course, he was right, it isn't about targeting zones.  It's about living a healthy life style.  It's about consistency and working your whole body.

But, does that necessarily mean that you can't target a zone?

Of course not.  You can't target a zone if that's all you target.  But, doing some crunches before bed, or side twists after using the bathroom, or cooking on one foot, whatever it is you do that targets an area is not for nothing!  It builds strength and will help to tone that area.  Of course you need cardio, watch your food, and work out regularly, but don't for a minute think your efforts to do SOMETHING in place of NOTHING are without merit.

And, if you want to oil up, get tanned, wear a scrawny tank top ... don't be surprised to find your picture in my next blog .... just kiddddddding!

My next few blogs will target some exercises you can do.  I hope they are easy for you, but if not, pull back a little.  And, of course check with your doctor before starting any exercise routine, blah, blah, blah.

Challenge of the Day:
Do SOMETHING in place of NOTHING and ignore the 80's throw-back, stud who can't think like YOU. Until next time ...

Water Weight Gain

I know about water weight.  I'm a girl, after all.  All of us chicks (fat or skinny!) experience bloating every month.  But, you know what? Even though I know this, I fell prey to water weight gain's evil curse last month. I weighed in at a whopping 3.8lbs more than expected.  Crap!  I wanted to throw that evil, sneering scale into the wall.

But, no.

I gave myself a few days and the weight fell off like magic.  It was great.  But, I didn't trust it.  Know what I mean?  Like some evil fairy had pulled back some pounds when I weighed in and then would magically plop them back on my mid-section by morning.

I thought I would give you all some facts about this menace to society, to women's self-esteem everywhere!  This nemesis to fitting into a bathingsuit by summer!

Go to war!
Instead of throwing the scale through the wall or creeping back under the covers, let's go over how to tell if that jump on the scale is real weight or water weight.  According to "Real Weight Vs. Water Weight" (http://www.truelemon.com/live-healthy/nutrition/608-real-weight-versus-water-weight.html) you can tell if your weight jump is real or water if you have have gained more than half a pound since the day before. Check this out from the article:

If you have kept track of your body fat percentage with a body fat monitor, you can   compare your current percentage to your results from a month ago. If the new measurement is greater than before, you’ve gained fat. If your body fat percentage has decreased but your weight has increased, the weight gain is not from added fat.

Check your extremities: are your hands, feet and ankles puffy? If yes, it is likely that your gain is water related. When you are retaining excess water, you might also notice imprints in your skin left by your socks, or your wedding ring may be tighter than usual.

Many possible causes exist for retaining water, including too much salt, sugar, dehydration, too much alcohol, dieting and women’s monthly cycle. Among other tips, if you are concerned about water weight, make an effort to drink more plain water. While it seems like the opposite of what you need to do, drinking 8 to 10 glasses per day will help flush sodium and excess fluid from your system. A well-hydrated body is healthier and is less likely to retain water.

So, don't freak out if you suddenly jump on that scale.  If you are being a Lifer and not a Dieter, it will all work out in the end.  One day or a few of being a little higher won't kill you.  

Challenge of the Day:

Less salt!  More water!  Get it?? :) Until next time!

Sleep Apnea

photo credit: www.stopobesityforlife.com

The stories were laughed about at holidays ... how my Mom thought there was an earthquake in the middle of the night and came running down the hall ... only to find me snoring; my young son waking me up terrified, "Mommy!  You're making scary noises again!"  My ex-husband wearing ear plugs to sleep with me.  My sister not being able to sleep in the next room so crawling into my parents' bed to get away from my snoring. It had become a joke.  An embarrassment.  A fact of life.  Then, a worried friend took me aside and said the one thing that changed everything...

"I think you're stopping breathing and I'm worried about you."

Huh?

And, so, I took the magical step and had a Sleep Study done.  I imagined a white sterile room, with a small army cot behind two-way mirrors while a team of doctors stood by and watched me snore.  They would nod their heads and mutter, "Ummmm, hmmmm" and write something in their tablet.

It wasn't like that after all.

I went to the clinic and I was led to my bedroom.  That's right, a cozy, comfy bedroom with an adjoining bathroom.  There, they put this tooth-paste-like stuff in my hair and attached electrodes to them.  The electrode wires ran down my entire body, down my legs and arms and yet was done in a way that if I had to drop my drawers, I could.  They put a Pulse-ox on my finger and explained if I was showing signs of Sleep Apnea, they would put this mask over my head.  I laughed and said there was no way I could sleep with one of those things on.

Then, I went to bed. 

I vaguely remember getting up to use the bathroom (yeah the pants really did drop down with all the electrodes still attached).  Even more vague, I kinda remember being sat up and a mask sliding over my face.  Three hours later, I woke up feeling like I could run a mile.

Here's what I learned:

1. I stopped breathing 49 times in 1 hour.
2. My legs moved constantly (Restless Leg Syndrome).
3. My blood oxygen level dropped to 86 (should be in the 90's.  80's are stroke zone).
4. In 3 hours, I got 10 minutes of REM sleep.  (You should get 1 full hour of REM sleep for every two hours of sleep.  This is where your body rests, de-stresses, heals, grows)

After they put the mask on me:

1. I stopped breathing 0 times in 3 hours.
2. My legs didn't move position once.
3. My blood oxygen level stayed in the 90's.
4. I got 1 full hour of REM sleep in 3 hours.

I can't stress enough to get a sleep study done if you suspect you might be an excessive snorer or that you are stopping breathing.  There's a chance, when I lose all of my weight, that I will not have Sleep Apnea. At that time, I'll gladly trade in my mask for some Victoria's Secret.  Until then, I slide on my "scuba mask" every night and go diving ... into a great sleep.

Challenge of the Day:

Get yourself a Sleep Study done if you suspect you may have Sleep Apnea.  It's not the sexiest look, but you can look sexy and THEN put on your mask :)  Until next time ....