Acceptance

Hey ... who's that chick in the mirror?

I remember back in high school, feeling fat.  I wasn't - I just felt that way.  I was a healthy 150lbs, with rock hard and muscular legs and a nice size 11.  But, I didn't like how my body was changing as I was growing up.  I would scrutinize every single inch of my body and honestly, felt I came up short every time.  Sometimes, I would lay in bed and feel my little belly and cry.  Looking back ... OHHH to have that little belly ... and those perfect legs ...

As I got into my 20's and became sexually active, the approval of my boyfriends of my body gave me some confidence to start accepting myself. I had a short lived stint as a model which was the fairy tale Hollywood story.  Unfortunately, it ended in tragedy and I never looked back. In fact, I became a binge eater for several years and to this day, really have to watch myself if I get emotional.  Binging and purging became a part of my life at least once a week, if not more. (We'll cover this in its own blog one day soon.) There was some sort of satisfaction in eating an entire pizza and six pack of soda that I didn't get anywhere else.  After throwing up, I'd feel shame and ... like I wasn't a good person. When I was married, my ex-husband preferred heavier women and so I didn't think twice about a second helping ... or third.  After my second son, I maintained my weight at about 220lbs.

Then, we divorced.  Truth be told, it was the best thing that could have happened to us and I have no regrets.  We are now friends and he couldn't have picked a better wife and Step-Mom to our little boy. But, I was a single mom of two little boys and worked a lot.  I'd think about losing weight and then, push it off with excuses about work, being tired, being busy, etc.

I dated someone for six years that although we didn't last, he taught me to love my body.  He taught me that I was beautiful in his eyes.  I was so motivated by him and by the passing of my father, that I lost 42lbs and looked great at 187lbs. I felt great, looked sexy, was confident of myself.  But, things change and slowly the weight came back and I really beat myself up mentally over it.

Clothes sizes went up, as did the number on the scale and I found myself depressed over my body again.  Where did that confidence go?  That's what I'd begun to wonder.  And, over the past year, I've been facing this part of me.  And, I've found I can still be confident in my body without being size 0. I've finally accepted who I am NOW.  How?  Because I like who I am on the INSIDE.  I'm not the best at much, but I try hard and I have a huge heart for kids, animals and those in need. I love my family, work hard and at the end of the day, feel pretty good about just being me.

You know, in my mind, I'm not fat.  I'm just me. This girl going through life ... I see my reflection often and occasionally, I catch it and think, who IS that?  It's certainly not the high school student I once was ... nor the model ... nor the young mom ... nor the lover ... and in the end, it's just me.  And, I believe that my sense of self worth is more than skin deep.  Too often we fat chicks judge ourselves for not being "thin enough" "good enough" "pretty enough" "smart enough...." you get the picture.  Have you ever wondered who sets the bar of what constitutes as "enough?" I think we do that to ourselves.

But, you ask ... if you are accepting of yourself, why then are you on this journey?

Thank you for asking! I feel I have finally at just shy of 42 years old, accepted myself physically.  But, along with the acceptance is also being honest.  And, the honest truth is that I'm not healthy.  I really don't want to die young and leave my boys alone.  But, I'm also not a salad eater (that will be its own blog) and so need to find a way to become healthier in a way that is possible for me to live with.  I'm fortunate that I have people in my life, my Ohm-ma and my Big Bit who care enough to sit down and talk to me about my weight, but also love me regardless of my weight.  I know they worry and part of this journey is to reduce their worry.

Challenge of the Day:
So, my beloved fat chicks ... your challenge for today is to evaluate yourself.  Do you judge yourself based on who you ARE or based on some skinny chick in an elevator you happen to stand next to, and feel like a football player standing there? Think of why you ARE a good person (not just look like one), think of those who LOVE you for YOU, and face that chick in the mirror.  Check her out and say, "this is ME ... and I'm still kickin'.  I can be better, but I'm a good person, and beautiful."  Once you can reach this point, well, the rest is just gravy.