This is my most vulnerable blog yet ... Prior to this blog, I had never admitted that I binged and purged except in my own head. My family didn't know and it was a big fat secret in my life. But, if I want to be healthier, it's something I've had to face. I know for damn sure, I'm not the only out there that has ever binged and purged. So, here goes ...
I had a traumatic event happen to me when I just turned 21. It was traumatic enough that I didn't sleep much for a good year and when I did I had nightmares. I had been a model and in one night, any caring I had for my body was stomped on. I no longer cared.
And, I began gaining weight.
I didn't consciously know I was binging. To be honest, that time frame is a bit of a blur for me. I would order a Medium pizza and a six pack of soda and eat all of it. I would eat when emotional and eat a lot. Then, I'd go home and my stomach would hurt and be extended. The purging began as a relief to that "sick" feeling afterwards. It was easy to throw it up.
Then, there seemed to be a pattern. I'd get emotional, I'd eat, I'd have that familiar sick feeling and I'd throw up. It never helped me to get thin ... though I still think if I had eaten those calories I would have easily been much bigger.
Do you hear that?
Why couldn't I see that if I had NEVER put that food into my body, then, I wouldn't have thrown up or had those calories in my body in the first place? I just didn't think that way.
Then, after my divorce, it became a habit. It happened at least 1-2 times a week. And, afterwards, I'd think, "I'm glad I threw up, I feel much better."
It's compulsive behavior ... it's a sign of (though not necessarily an indication of having) Bulimia Nervosa. It's a comforting technique when food is your comfort.
It's not healthy, my friend.
I no longer binge and purge. It's something I had to make the conscious decision not to do. You may wonder what woke me up? During a particular purge, I noticed blood dripping. It was coming from my nose. I blew my nose and a bright red, thick blood clot about the size of an egg yolk came out. It scared the shit out of me.
I don't know where that blood clot came from ... I read that it is caused by the pressure of making one throw up. I also read that the acids from the stomach can eat away at the esophagus. I've had a pain there for years that I could never explain. All I knew is that if I drank cold water, it went away. Since I no longer binge and purge, I no longer get that pain so I do believe it is related.
I had to face WHY I binged. It was always because I was emotional. So, I had to make the decision to do something ELSE when I got emotional. I call my Ohm-Ma, Big Bit and Kat. I draw. I cry. I do something other than eat. It's not easy to do ... because a part of me WANTS to slip back and eat an entire pizza (though, honestly, now-a-days, I don't think I could force it down).
I keep harping on change. This was a huge change for me that I made last year. This is part of my journey. I simply can't let myself binge and purge anymore. I have two boys at home that need me around. And, don't need to lose their Mom because of compulsive behavior.
Here's a good website with some information on it, if you want more technical stuff: http://addictions.about.com/od/foodaddictio1/a/bingeing_and_purging.htm
If you struggle with this, I suggest you speak with your doctor, a support group or good friend.
Challenge of the Day:
Be honest about your habits. If you binge and purge, get help. Talk to someone. Figure out a way to get away from it and make new habits. YOU are worth it. Until next time ....
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