It's ... Sabotage!

I HEREBY RESOLVE TO NEVER, EVER, FOREVER, NEVER EAT ANOTHER GRAM OF SUGAR OR CARBS.  EVER!

(Sponge Bob Square Pants' Announcer voice)

Three hours later ....

Thank you, yes, I'll take a .... (skimming the menu's salad selection, ceasar (no too fattening), cobb (yeah not much of a ham person), garden (hmm, maybe but I don't like Lite Ranch) .... oh ... sorry .... I'll have a double cheeseburger, steak fries and a sundae for dessert.

Sound familiar?

Oh if I had a dollar for every time I've sabotaged myself!  I'd be rich as Rockefeller.

My intentions were good - I really did think I would never, ever, forever never eat another gram of sugar or carbs IN THAT MOMENT.  But will power is a weakness for me when it comes to food.  And, honestly, as much as I'd like a salad  ... Ok I'm lying, I don't want that salad, but that's another blog (I have an entire theory on salads) ... as much as I want to lose weight, restricting myself so severely - even though I would see results quickly - is something that my immature mind rebels against, my will power folds against and honestly, I believe some protective nature in me wants to keep me fat.

WTF?

That's right.  Somewhere deep down, being fat is safe for me. I don't get asked out, I don't put myself out there, and I enjoy food as I like.  If I want 3 plates of spaghetti, no one's surprised because that's what I do. And, if necessary, that's what I sneak in quick forkfuls as I clean the kitchen or whatever.

Does any of this make sense or ring a bell?

I can't believe I'm the only fat chick that does this.  So that makes me wonder why I do it.  Why is it safe? Where is my will power?  I'm a disciplined person except in food. Why?  Well, that's a good question.  To be honest, I don't really know the answer.  But, I do know the signs of when I sabotage myself.  Usually, it's without thinking ... just jumping and grabbing something, like those damn candy bars at the head of the line at the super market strategically placed for us to grab on the way out.  And, of course, they are two for a dollar, so you gotta get two.  Hmm, it's a conspiracy!

As much as I joke about this, it is serious because it causes me to stumble, then gain a little weight, feel a little worse and hinder me from moving forward.  So, what do you do?  I can tell you what I'm doing.  (Since I'm writing this blog, I guess that's the only answer right now).  I've given myself a few rules - nothing too hard, but some guidelines. I won't buy those candy bars at the super market anymore.  I can't say NEVER, but I can count on one hand the amount of times I've done so in the past ohhhhh, six months?  Since spaghetti is a weakness of mine, I do allow myself to eat it - one plate.  At first it was one BIG plate.  But, slowly as I've monitored my progress on My Fitness Pal, I've been bringing that down too.  And, I don't keep ice cream in the house.  If I really really want some, I get a cone at McDonalds, or a small mini ice cream container from the super market.

The biggest thing though, is convincing myself that I really don't want to sabotage myself and also being accountable.  I am accountable on My Fitness Pal, also accountable in this blog by my own openness, encouraged by friends and family, I measure my body once a month, weigh in once a week and put my progress out on Facebook once a month.  Yikes! But, it's helping keep me honest and stay on my path.  And, when I really need to, I may even look myself in the eye in the bathroom and say, "You CAN do this." I may not order a salad - ok, I MIGHT ... but it may be the cheeseburger (single) with a side salad.  And if I really want that sundae, I may just get a single scoop of vanilla ice cream instead of the double dip, fudge covered, whip creamed, with nuts of course concoction I really wanted.  Baby steps.  Progress.  Kick that sabotage crap to the curb Ladies.  You can do it!  And you know what?  So can I.

Challenge of the Day.
Look yourself in the mirror directly into your beautiful eyes and tell yourself you can do this, right before a meal. When you order your food next time, make something - I don't care what it is - make something that is a healthier choice.  Until next time ...